I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's the barista slut.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
