omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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