R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
