i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
