everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
