I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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