So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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