either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
