pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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