He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This house was built for laser tag.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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