Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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