How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
