dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
