my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
