well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
