i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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