I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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