I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
