Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
