I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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