i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He passed out mid-signature
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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