Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
