DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
