Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just found puke in my bra..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
