Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
