bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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