he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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