We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
