It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
