so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
