I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
