It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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