If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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