Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
