Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
