Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
