Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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