Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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