All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
