Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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