Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You dont lie about slip and slides
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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