eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
