I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
