nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
