so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
