I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Terrible idea I love it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
