It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
