she looked like the before picture.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize