Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
