I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
