My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
