Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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