and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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