I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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