You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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