I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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