I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize