I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
