How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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