i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
