I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
