i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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