She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
