I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
