You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hippo gnu deer
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
